A breath of fresh air

I previously worked at a prison, which received an award for its successful anti-bullying policy to protect prisoners; yet where many allegations of bullying were made against the managers, by members of staff.

In terms of personal experience, I once found myself backed up against a school toilet wall, being threatened by a girl telling me all sorts of nasty, untrue things about myself. Largely, I believe, because I had beaten her to win first place in the primary school long jump competition the previous year; and had just been elected captain of the netball team in our first year of secondary school.

I told her that what she was saying was simply not true, and without any satisfactory resistance or retaliation from me, she had nowhere to go with it except to back off.

Some fifteen years later we came face to face in an aerobics class at the local sports centre. By this time, we were both married with children and still living in the same area. I could feel her burning stare and she could not resist coming over to talk to me. I was polite, but the tension was apparent – she was still harbouring negative thoughts and feelings about me.

Again I just refused to accept her distorted view of me and walked away.

Some believe that bullies are motivated by feelings of jealousy; others that it is a desperate attempt at an underhand exerting of social control.

Statistics show that you are most likely to be subjected to bullying behaviour by someone of the same sex and of a similar age to you.

The ways in which males and females bully differ in that boys and men tend to use physical intimidation and violence, whereas females use emotional manipulation and violence. Also, females who bully as children, often continue their undesirable behaviour into adulthood in the form of malicious gossiping.

Regarded by some sociologists as a social weapon, malicious gossip is a strategy often used by individuals to further their own reputations and selfish interests at the expense of others.

In the study of early societies, it was noted that the manipulation of public opinion through gossip, ridicule and ostracism became a key way of keeping potentially dominant group members in a positions that were believed to be personally beneficial to the gossip hounds ;in line with their perception of life as a social competition.

However, negative gossip about third parties, who of course have no opportunity to defend themselves, is a dangerous game that can rebound on the gossiper. To be good at malicious gossip requires a high degree of subtlety and skill. The trick is to appear to be sympathetic to the victim while actually intending to destroy any positive regard held by others towards her.

Failing that, the bully herself will often masquerade as the victim, sometimes actually genuinely believing that she has the moral high ground, whilst seeking to lower the social status of the other to the gutter.

However, psychological research has shown that a phenomenon known as ‘spontaneous trait transfer’ (STT) occurs during the act of malicious gossiping.

Essentially, when you gossip about another person the listener unconsciously associates you with the character traits you are describing.

The characteristics you are gossiping about are actually attributed to you, and not your intended victim.

If you are not sure whether your gossiping is the malicious, self-defeating type, just ask your self three questions: • is the information something negative about a third party that isn't there to defend her/him self?

• Does passing on this information make you feel that you are better than the person you are talking about?

• Are you using the information that you are passing along to better your own appearance in some way?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then you might need to reconsider your ineffective strategy.

One thing to do might be to talk people 'up' rather than gossiping in a destructive manner. That way, courtesy of STT, you might actually achieve your aim of getting someone else to think more highly of you. The law of reciprocity clearly states that what you give out comes back tenfold. So if you just cannot refrain from gossiping, always bear in mind that it may be your turn to be the subject of gossip tomorrow.

If you are finding it a hard habit to break, why not start with a gossip free day every week? Look for positive ways of discussing people within your sphere. If you don't know a lot about the people around you, open your mind, drop out the judgements and preconceptions; and practise your listening skills. Always make eye contact with the person you are speaking to and concentrate on what is being conveyed in the moment, and not what you believe to have happened in the past.

If, after due consideration of all these factors, you still cannot find anything positive, helpful or constructive to say, do yourself and the rest of the world a favour, and save your breath.